So...

Den bought me my first slouch hat...it is a Denver Bronco one of course and special.

I have to apologize because I have not been commenting on the blogs that I usually comment on. I read everything that my commenters write on mine but I am hit or miss on all of my friends' blogs... I am sorry...I am reading them and enjoying them but I think it's like my actual book reading...I am not ready yet to jump back in. We were at the Wound Doctor this morning and he asked me if I was a reader. He told me that reading will help me immensely to get out of the dark places and get back with my team. He told me that I am not alone in this...that all of the doctors and nurses are all working together with me...they are my team...then he talked about the amazing book he was reading...and just the way he looked at me and held my hand gave me strength...

This is what he is reading...

 

 

I will try to read tonight...

 

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Today's Thoughts...

It think a lot about how I am not really reading...

It worries me that I am thinking about listening to audio books...

It worries me that I can't sleep at night...I am even taking a sleeping pill from the doctor but if I fall asleep at 9 or even 10...and we try to hold off until then...I am up and awake at 3...sitting and staring into the night...trying not to wake anyone else up.

I have been grabbing my iPad and watching TV...anything mindless will eventually make me fall asleep but it takes a while...I can only sleep propped up on about 4 or 5 pillows and Roxie is usually asleep behind me on the top most pillow. Lately I am getting my best sleep from about 5 in the morning until 7 in the morning. It's a deep deep peaceful sleep but I still need help to actually fall asleep.

Today was a day of physical therapy. Walking and leg work...a friend came by to visit and I realize how stupid I am to think I can do all of this alone...when I stopped teaching I took myself away from school friends other than a few special ones but I realize now how wrong that was. Friends I have not talked to in years who have their own health issues are reaching out to me with gestures of kindness...asking what I need, what they can do...how can they help...all I can do is cry...cry over everything I didn't do for them...I would email or comment on FB but I did not reach out enough...I don't deserve their kindnesses. I really don't...but I cherish every card and phone call and email...

Blogger friends...you are literally saving my soul...virtual hugs are just as good as real ones...old friends from other states and my home town...I thank you for every prayer and message...my heart breaks when I read them.

Jen...our doctor's nurse navigator...OMG...I can't imagine how we would figure out anything without out her...she paves our way through this frightening medical world...scary scary stuff!

So...every day I work on my shaky knees and weak arms and try to be positive and appreciate the fact that I can read even though I only want to watch Chopped and Unique Sweets...

 

 

 

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So...Yesterday...

Den woke up feeling unwell yesterday...stomach, chest, ghastly sick feelings everywhere...thank goodness the doctor was in his office...barely 5 minutes away...so he drove there immediately. The doctor sent him to the ER and that was where he spent most of the day...my rock, my anchor, my safe harbor. I was mildly freaking out. I don't know what else to say or do...I just numbly sat here. I couldn't get to him...I can't help him...I just cried...I get up and walk and then sit down and get totally numb again. I am attached to this pump and just waiting. My family is freaking out too but everyone is so far away and needs hours to get to me. I don't even know how we could have planned for this but I guess we should have tried.

He did come home and is seeing our doctor again today and a cardiologist on Thursday.

So my guilt is massive. I let him do too much for me...I have to work harder at getting back to being me.

I have never been so sick before this...and now I am napping...I can't stay awake...and making myself walk every hour. My hands shake...my knees shake...I can't read...I don't care about clothes or shoes...I have stuff from the summer that I have not even worn yet and summer is all but over!

I have to work really hard at getting strong for both of us. My hair has more gray in it but I don't even care. I am supposed to eat and I do but it is hard to be hungry. I am really just a sad sad speck of what I used to be...I cry too easily, too...my life is just so altered. Every day I look for strength and guidance and I guess that's all that I can do...for now...that and watch the Food Channel. I envy everyone who is healthy and free and can move around quickly. I don't envy anyone in a bad way...I pray that you stay healthy! I love my family more than life itself...they call and cry and tell me to be strong. They are not close by but they would be here in minutes. They are what I need right now even

Those are my thoughts for today...

 

 

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Where I Am Today...

The last month has been unforgiving for me...a surgery that I can't even remember...nine days in recovery at the hospital that has my knees weak and clinging to the railings as I walk up or down the stairs at home because one or the other takes my breath away...sitting in a comfy chair at home trying to eat what I am supposed to when even looking at food makes me ill. My tummy feels so small that a few bites of something makes me so full I want to scream. I have gone from thinking I had IBS to learning that I had a massive cyst...most is gone but I have to have chemotherapy to make sure it's all gone...wearing knit hats for the next 6 months will be my life. Being home bound fo the next six to eight months is my life. I have never been to so many doctor's appointments and the sutures on my chest are lifesaving yet ghastly. My body was debunked by amazing surgeons. Before surgery I watched Murder, She Wrote...now I can't stop watching the Food Channel. I have gone from reading dozens of books a week to barely one book a week. I try to check blogs when I can but there are days when it's just overwhelming. I have visiting nurses and Tina who washes my hair and helps me stay clean...these are the basic facts of my life now. I was always so modest but sitting in the shower while Tina or Den wash my hair...o m g...I cry and thank God daily.

I have a small surgical wound that won't heal so today a nurse came to install a wound vac...so now I walk around with a small buzzing purse. In the hospital I was forever hooked up to bags and tubes and lifesaving meds. Now it's a vacuum...sigh...

This is one of those nights when no matter what...I can't sleep...I can't fit my head into the silence. Den needs rest...it's just him doing everything. He tracks meds and appointments. When I was still in the hospital he was with me constantly. My heart breaks when I see how much he is doing and I pray for him constantly. He has lists and charts and records and nothing gets by him. I don't know what I would do with out him.

Nothing in our house is as it used to be...but our house is clean and shiny and managed by Den. He shops, does our laundry, tries to maintain our outside flowers...tries to keep our way of life until I can help him again...

We need to buy a new leather lounge chair and sofa...we are sitting in the family room and our other furniture is horrible for long term sitting...we should have done this months ago but of course we didn't...so Den will take photos at Bassett this week and hopefully we will work this out...it's just one of those little things that you realize is important when you are housebound...I think a bigger TV, too...I know it sounds silly but we need to get this done.

So...I read some blogs but staying on top of things is beyond me. I miss my old life but I can't keep up. It's all I can do to clear email on some days.

I thank those people who sent food and cards and blankets and flowers...just reading the cards has been delightful...when I can I will do more with them. It's all that I can do now to stay strong and positive and walk and eat and not cry too often...

 

Hugs...

Patty

Waiting For Patty...

 

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