It think a lot about how I am not really reading...
It worries me that I am thinking about listening to audio books...
It worries me that I can't sleep at night...I am even taking a sleeping pill from the doctor but if I fall asleep at 9 or even 10...and we try to hold off until then...I am up and awake at 3...sitting and staring into the night...trying not to wake anyone else up.
I have been grabbing my iPad and watching TV...anything mindless will eventually make me fall asleep but it takes a while...I can only sleep propped up on about 4 or 5 pillows and Roxie is usually asleep behind me on the top most pillow. Lately I am getting my best sleep from about 5 in the morning until 7 in the morning. It's a deep deep peaceful sleep but I still need help to actually fall asleep.
Today was a day of physical therapy. Walking and leg work...a friend came by to visit and I realize how stupid I am to think I can do all of this alone...when I stopped teaching I took myself away from school friends other than a few special ones but I realize now how wrong that was. Friends I have not talked to in years who have their own health issues are reaching out to me with gestures of kindness...asking what I need, what they can do...how can they help...all I can do is cry...cry over everything I didn't do for them...I would email or comment on FB but I did not reach out enough...I don't deserve their kindnesses. I really don't...but I cherish every card and phone call and email...
Blogger friends...you are literally saving my soul...virtual hugs are just as good as real ones...old friends from other states and my home town...I thank you for every prayer and message...my heart breaks when I read them.
Jen...our doctor's nurse navigator...OMG...I can't imagine how we would figure out anything without out her...she paves our way through this frightening medical world...scary scary stuff!
So...every day I work on my shaky knees and weak arms and try to be positive and appreciate the fact that I can read even though I only want to watch Chopped and Unique Sweets...
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I think the need to watch cooking shows means that you are on the mend. You are getting interested in food again and that's a good thing. I also think the fact that you cannot sleep is a sign that you are healing. Your body is at work and it can be exhausting but also stimulating in a way. Every day you will notice slight improvement. You said you were on chemo? Well, that takes a lot out of you too. How is Den doing today? You both need to sit in nice comfy chairs and just chill out in between the other stuff.
ReplyDeleteNot on chemo yet...Den is good. You are right about chilling out...the sleep part...I just need to sleep until longer than 3 ish...so badly!
DeleteWhat exactly is the chemo for? I am not sure what the surgery was for. Do you have a physical therapist helping you? How is Den?
ReplyDeleteI understand what you are going through. I have had health issues for so long. It is isolating. But, I am here, if you need to talk. HUGS.
Sending you a note...
DeleteYou are having your catharsis. It's okay. True friends will reconnect no matter what. You will do the same for them in the future once you're physically ready.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. I know I will.
DeleteAnd let me know when you have time, your head circumference and colors you like.
ReplyDeleteI will! Thank you! This hat will be so special!
DeleteAs a friend of mine loves to say, don't be daft, of course you deserve their kindness. Just because you fade from a person's every day life doesn't mean you fade from their heart. They wouldn't reach out to you if you hadn't touch them in some way. We all get wrapped up in our own lives, it's normal, let yourself off the hook. You have to save your strength for getting well. Sending hugs and strength to both you and Den. Hope his drs appointment goes well. xo
ReplyDeleteJust take it easy and do whatever you feel like. Sleep when you can and take it easy when you can't. Don't try to rush your recovery. I think about you all the time and wish you and Den the very best. I wish I could be there to bring you a meal, a book, or some flowers or run an errand for Den.
ReplyDeleteOh...wouldn't that be wonderful! Thank you!
DeleteAhhh...Unique Sweets...a cheery show by any standard. Praise God, Den is good. You'll find your equilibrium, but it does take time. It will come. Love you...
ReplyDeleteThank you...much love back!
DeleteI am very encouraged by how you are taking steps each day to reclaim your life. But as we said before, just take baby steps. And not that much time has passed. So hang onto those thoughts and remember that every step forward, even if it's small, is progress.
ReplyDeleteI guess it is all about the baby steps.
DeleteI'll echo what Laure-Rain said... it's all about the baby steps. Often hard to see progress on a day-to-day scale, but look back to a week ago and see how far you have come! My parents are with us now after Mom's hip replacement and cardiac issue, but I stress that to her when she gets discouraged, too. Thinking of you every day, Patty. Chopped is perfect mindless TV... love it!
ReplyDeleteThank you sooooo much! I know that you are right!
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