Where I Am Today...

The last month has been unforgiving for me...a surgery that I can't even remember...nine days in recovery at the hospital that has my knees weak and clinging to the railings as I walk up or down the stairs at home because one or the other takes my breath away...sitting in a comfy chair at home trying to eat what I am supposed to when even looking at food makes me ill. My tummy feels so small that a few bites of something makes me so full I want to scream. I have gone from thinking I had IBS to learning that I had a massive cyst...most is gone but I have to have chemotherapy to make sure it's all gone...wearing knit hats for the next 6 months will be my life. Being home bound fo the next six to eight months is my life. I have never been to so many doctor's appointments and the sutures on my chest are lifesaving yet ghastly. My body was debunked by amazing surgeons. Before surgery I watched Murder, She Wrote...now I can't stop watching the Food Channel. I have gone from reading dozens of books a week to barely one book a week. I try to check blogs when I can but there are days when it's just overwhelming. I have visiting nurses and Tina who washes my hair and helps me stay clean...these are the basic facts of my life now. I was always so modest but sitting in the shower while Tina or Den wash my hair...o m g...I cry and thank God daily.

I have a small surgical wound that won't heal so today a nurse came to install a wound vac...so now I walk around with a small buzzing purse. In the hospital I was forever hooked up to bags and tubes and lifesaving meds. Now it's a vacuum...sigh...

This is one of those nights when no matter what...I can't sleep...I can't fit my head into the silence. Den needs rest...it's just him doing everything. He tracks meds and appointments. When I was still in the hospital he was with me constantly. My heart breaks when I see how much he is doing and I pray for him constantly. He has lists and charts and records and nothing gets by him. I don't know what I would do with out him.

Nothing in our house is as it used to be...but our house is clean and shiny and managed by Den. He shops, does our laundry, tries to maintain our outside flowers...tries to keep our way of life until I can help him again...

We need to buy a new leather lounge chair and sofa...we are sitting in the family room and our other furniture is horrible for long term sitting...we should have done this months ago but of course we didn't...so Den will take photos at Bassett this week and hopefully we will work this out...it's just one of those little things that you realize is important when you are housebound...I think a bigger TV, too...I know it sounds silly but we need to get this done.

So...I read some blogs but staying on top of things is beyond me. I miss my old life but I can't keep up. It's all I can do to clear email on some days.

I thank those people who sent food and cards and blankets and flowers...just reading the cards has been delightful...when I can I will do more with them. It's all that I can do now to stay strong and positive and walk and eat and not cry too often...

 

Hugs...

Patty

Waiting For Patty...

 

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