Den woke up feeling unwell yesterday...stomach, chest, ghastly sick feelings everywhere...thank goodness the doctor was in his office...barely 5 minutes away...so he drove there immediately. The doctor sent him to the ER and that was where he spent most of the day...my rock, my anchor, my safe harbor. I was mildly freaking out. I don't know what else to say or do...I just numbly sat here. I couldn't get to him...I can't help him...I just cried...I get up and walk and then sit down and get totally numb again. I am attached to this pump and just waiting. My family is freaking out too but everyone is so far away and needs hours to get to me. I don't even know how we could have planned for this but I guess we should have tried.
He did come home and is seeing our doctor again today and a cardiologist on Thursday.
So my guilt is massive. I let him do too much for me...I have to work harder at getting back to being me.
I have never been so sick before this...and now I am napping...I can't stay awake...and making myself walk every hour. My hands shake...my knees shake...I can't read...I don't care about clothes or shoes...I have stuff from the summer that I have not even worn yet and summer is all but over!
I have to work really hard at getting strong for both of us. My hair has more gray in it but I don't even care. I am supposed to eat and I do but it is hard to be hungry. I am really just a sad sad speck of what I used to be...I cry too easily, too...my life is just so altered. Every day I look for strength and guidance and I guess that's all that I can do...for now...that and watch the Food Channel. I envy everyone who is healthy and free and can move around quickly. I don't envy anyone in a bad way...I pray that you stay healthy! I love my family more than life itself...they call and cry and tell me to be strong. They are not close by but they would be here in minutes. They are what I need right now even
Those are my thoughts for today...
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First off, I know that you feel obligated to get back to normal for Den's sake. He has been doing lots, from what you've said, but you know he'd do it all over again if he had to. I'm sorry he is not well. The stress of it all is a lot for a person to deal with but it's not your fault. You can't rush this. It takes a long time to heal from surgery and you have a wound that's not healing properly. You need to take baby steps. Both of you do. I have been praying for you constantly but I will also pray for Den. I know you are overwhelmed by all of this. When I battled lupus many years ago, I felt like I was never going to recover or be myself. You will be yourself but it's only been a month. Do you realize that? It feels longer but I checked the date of your last post. A month to heal is not that long at all. Give it time. You will be back to your normal self soon.
ReplyDeleteThank you...for your prayers and words. I was in intensive care for 9 days...I don't even remember that time...Den watching and praying the entire time...I know that I need to go slowly...
DeleteOh my gosh, this is heartbreaking! I wish I could be there to help you and Den. Please keep us posted.
ReplyDeleteI know...we couldn't be more pathetic...we are the ones that had the perfect life and now we just hurt...it's meds and doctors and exhaustion and if I stop moving there is the fear of blood clots...I don't even know how to deal with everything...crying makes Den crazy...I have to be strong...and I am not strong all of the time!
DeleteMy heart goes out to you. You are both in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs. ❤
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Den had such a scare and scared you as well. I know you can't help feeling that guilt but you're not at fault. You've had surgery, not no stitches. You recover the best you can and verbally just let Den know how much you love and appreciate him. You can do other things when you're more up to it or have fully recovered. Hugs, mama.
ReplyDeleteBTW, do you have enough energy to measure the circumference of your head? ^__^
ReplyDeleteYeah...I do...I will do it today...
DeleteThank you!
DeleteOh Patty, I wish I could help you. I'm sending you so many good thoughts, wishes and prayers - for Den too. Try to stay positive. You'll get better but it will take time. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI know...it's just so hard right now!
DeletePatty, I realize that I don't know you guys, but if I had to guess, I would say that you don't "let" Den do for you. I'm sure he does what he does because he loves you. You have no reason to feel guilty! It sounds like you have a wonderful family that loves you. Just know that you are not alone, and I will continue to pray for you both!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!
DeleteOh, Patty... I'm sorry life is so hard for you now. Wish I was closer and could help, but instead I will keep you and Den in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep us posted. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! Prayers are good!
DeleteI wish I could help, too, but what I can do, others have done before me, and that is to remind you that healing takes time, and it hasn't been that long! Post-Surgery healing has its own time table, and in spite of your setbacks with the wound, you sound as though you are on target.
ReplyDeleteI have nothing with which to compare what you're going through, but my back surgery years ago had me laid out for a while....and then it was "baby steps" forward.
I'm sending positive thoughts for Den, too, and again...you are not to blame. He needs to be there for you, and wouldn't want to neglect your needs.
I'm hoping and praying that you are feeling better each day, with just a little bit more energy each day.
Look at you, already posting two blogs! Soon you'll be picking up one book, and then the next....Hang in there!
My worry is that I might need to reach for an audio book! Den already downloaded one for me! Thank you so much for your kind words!
DeletePatty, remember your vows : " in sickness and in health..." We often take those words for granted and never truly consider they may come to pass. Such vows were meant for a time such as this. Den is making good on his promise to you, said years ago. I'm sure he knows you would do the same.
Delete"...And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose...." Romans 8:28
Use this time of incapacitation to spend time in the bible and get closer to the Lord. He is the answer to all things. I don't know how I would have gotten through my own illnesses; one life threatening, without him. He is always ready to listen and to heal...
Thank you, June...I will! I do!
DeleteDear Patti,
ReplyDeleteI am moved to tears by your plight.
Don't be too hard on yourself for crying. Your body has undergone, and is still undergoing, severe physical trauma. That often (almost always?) unbalances our emotions in ways we wouldn't have thought - and crying (and feeling on the verge of tears all the time) is common. It doesn't mean you're weak, but that your body (not to mention your mind) has been traumatized. Your emotions WILL begin to heal, although worry about Den complicates things.
Is there any way that Den can hire some help? Not just for the yard work but also for inside. Someone who could vacuum, empty the dishwasher, fold laundry, clean the litter box, do some of the myriad of tasks that are wearing on him while he is taking care of you too?
This is the time to use your resources to take care of both of you - and NEITHER of you should feel guilty for it!!!!!!!
My small two cents worth, because I care. :-)
Oh - and don't worry too much about wanting to listen to books instead of readinf them. Audio-books can be a re-introduction to your mind of the cadence of books, which use a different part of the brain than television. Reading will follow, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteI like that! Thank you!
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