Fun Facts?

I am actually less wobbly!

I am not gasping for breath when I "crawl" up the stairs at the day's end!

I am getting used to sleeping sitting up...propped on four pillows...Roxie sleeping behind my head...and my head on one of these pillows. Last night's sleep was awesome! I just got this pillow and it's made a huge difference for my resting/ unresting head.

 

I am sort of hungry for weird things like this giant PopTart!

Den is going to try to bake us chocolate chip cookies on Sunday!

Our across the street neighbors are coming over tomorrow night to cook a pasta dinner here! Other than getting a crumble topped local peach pie and vanilla ice cream for dessert...I get to just sit! I will cry for the first two minutes but I am ok with that! I hope they are ok with that!

No less than 25 nurses, nurse practitioners, wound care doctors, oncologists, technicians, and surgeons have looked at my incision! They have even taken pictures of it! OMG! I have no weird thoughts about being modest any more! I am amazed at my lack of modesty!

I love my mail lady!

Den has washed my hair twice. He has brushed it and put it into a ponytail!

I don't know where summer went!

I love Vicky our English neighbor...she makes me salmon!

I love Mary and Sue...they were the librarians at my school. They came to the hospital and they made lunch here and they check up on me!

I am cold much of the time...I have no interest in clothes but I did buy four fleecy hoodies! Like this! They are so warm!

I have been lucky enough to be hugged by tons of people lately...I hope to return these hugs and kindnesses as soon as I can!

More "fun" facts to come!

 

 

 

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Today...

I am resting after the visiting nurse changed my bandages. Then I walked hard around the house, ate small bites of protein, drank orange juice because Vitamin C helps people heal, and ate as much protein packed salmon as I could that I knew would make Den happy. For some weird reason meat is not appealing to me now. Den keeps buying it and I keep having a huge aversion to it. Sigh! I try to help him by emptying the dishwasher and folding clothes and putting them away but he does not want me to help out this way. I can't go upstairs by myself, I can't use knives because of blood thinners, I can't walk outside while I am attached to the wound vac that is making me heal. The gurgle of the wound vac and the crampy stomach it gives me makes me cry a bit every morning and then I try to get over it. I can't get up to do anything without unhooking myself. Sigh! And my attachment will be at least another week. I try not to think about it but the constant gurgle we make remind me that I am never alone. I don't even remember what it would be like to just get up and walk to another part of our house without unattaching and attaching again. I gurgle! I squeak! I am not free!

This wound vac thing will bring me another round of tears...of course. Den tells me to stay strong..it's all minor...but I still get teary. Teary is what I do lately.

Friends want to bring us food...anything I am craving. With just two of us we didn't think that was necessary but in fact we are discovering that it is a blessing...an amazing blessing.

Our special neighbor brought salmon and buttered noodles...protein filled salmon that tasted so good. Our across the street neighbor brought us homemade salsa and the most incredible granola...they want to come and cook me the pasta I have been craving later this week.

Two friends from school came for lunch today and made me more buttered noodles and salads...and brought me a prayer shawl and their love...it was amazing to sit and just watch them put lunch together...we chatted and when they left I fell sound asleep.

This is me lately...more tired, more humble, more gray and more thankful! Lately when Den and I prep for bed I ask him to tell me my story. I don't remember much of what happened right after I was taken to surgery. I remember bits and pieces during recovery but I always remember the nurses telling me that Den called to see how I was and that he was on his way in. Once I saw him...even in the early days when I couldn't stay awake for very long...I felt safe. I always feel safe with Den. Always...

I would sit in the chair in my room or in the hospital bed and try to keep my eyes open while he told me about the house and the kitties and what he had for dinner...the normal cherished patterns in the life we had before this surgery. I know he is waiting for me to stop watching the Food Channel and start reading again. I feel close to doing just that...I held a book yesterday...does that count?

I think it does!

 

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So...

Den bought me my first slouch hat...it is a Denver Bronco one of course and special.

I have to apologize because I have not been commenting on the blogs that I usually comment on. I read everything that my commenters write on mine but I am hit or miss on all of my friends' blogs... I am sorry...I am reading them and enjoying them but I think it's like my actual book reading...I am not ready yet to jump back in. We were at the Wound Doctor this morning and he asked me if I was a reader. He told me that reading will help me immensely to get out of the dark places and get back with my team. He told me that I am not alone in this...that all of the doctors and nurses are all working together with me...they are my team...then he talked about the amazing book he was reading...and just the way he looked at me and held my hand gave me strength...

This is what he is reading...

 

 

I will try to read tonight...

 

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Today's Thoughts...

It think a lot about how I am not really reading...

It worries me that I am thinking about listening to audio books...

It worries me that I can't sleep at night...I am even taking a sleeping pill from the doctor but if I fall asleep at 9 or even 10...and we try to hold off until then...I am up and awake at 3...sitting and staring into the night...trying not to wake anyone else up.

I have been grabbing my iPad and watching TV...anything mindless will eventually make me fall asleep but it takes a while...I can only sleep propped up on about 4 or 5 pillows and Roxie is usually asleep behind me on the top most pillow. Lately I am getting my best sleep from about 5 in the morning until 7 in the morning. It's a deep deep peaceful sleep but I still need help to actually fall asleep.

Today was a day of physical therapy. Walking and leg work...a friend came by to visit and I realize how stupid I am to think I can do all of this alone...when I stopped teaching I took myself away from school friends other than a few special ones but I realize now how wrong that was. Friends I have not talked to in years who have their own health issues are reaching out to me with gestures of kindness...asking what I need, what they can do...how can they help...all I can do is cry...cry over everything I didn't do for them...I would email or comment on FB but I did not reach out enough...I don't deserve their kindnesses. I really don't...but I cherish every card and phone call and email...

Blogger friends...you are literally saving my soul...virtual hugs are just as good as real ones...old friends from other states and my home town...I thank you for every prayer and message...my heart breaks when I read them.

Jen...our doctor's nurse navigator...OMG...I can't imagine how we would figure out anything without out her...she paves our way through this frightening medical world...scary scary stuff!

So...every day I work on my shaky knees and weak arms and try to be positive and appreciate the fact that I can read even though I only want to watch Chopped and Unique Sweets...

 

 

 

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So...Yesterday...

Den woke up feeling unwell yesterday...stomach, chest, ghastly sick feelings everywhere...thank goodness the doctor was in his office...barely 5 minutes away...so he drove there immediately. The doctor sent him to the ER and that was where he spent most of the day...my rock, my anchor, my safe harbor. I was mildly freaking out. I don't know what else to say or do...I just numbly sat here. I couldn't get to him...I can't help him...I just cried...I get up and walk and then sit down and get totally numb again. I am attached to this pump and just waiting. My family is freaking out too but everyone is so far away and needs hours to get to me. I don't even know how we could have planned for this but I guess we should have tried.

He did come home and is seeing our doctor again today and a cardiologist on Thursday.

So my guilt is massive. I let him do too much for me...I have to work harder at getting back to being me.

I have never been so sick before this...and now I am napping...I can't stay awake...and making myself walk every hour. My hands shake...my knees shake...I can't read...I don't care about clothes or shoes...I have stuff from the summer that I have not even worn yet and summer is all but over!

I have to work really hard at getting strong for both of us. My hair has more gray in it but I don't even care. I am supposed to eat and I do but it is hard to be hungry. I am really just a sad sad speck of what I used to be...I cry too easily, too...my life is just so altered. Every day I look for strength and guidance and I guess that's all that I can do...for now...that and watch the Food Channel. I envy everyone who is healthy and free and can move around quickly. I don't envy anyone in a bad way...I pray that you stay healthy! I love my family more than life itself...they call and cry and tell me to be strong. They are not close by but they would be here in minutes. They are what I need right now even

Those are my thoughts for today...

 

 

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