Joy...

I don't know how I will feel each day when I wake up...my stomach often feels as though I have a tight rubber band around it...it often hurts but Dr. Rhodes...the surgeon...says that is normal for the amount of healing I need to do...which may take months and months and months. Sometimes if I am walking my circuit around the house I get out of breath...sometimes walking up the stairs at the day's end...I get out of breath...again...to be expected. Tears, not ever feeling really hungry, fatigue, these are all huge issues to overcome in my efforts to get better and stronger. I could not walk around the grocery store today and shop...it would be too much for me. Sometimes getting in and out of the car for appointments...is exhausting...driving over bumps...painful...sleeping through the night...elusive. I have stress filled and anxious feelings that I never had before. I take something for them. If I didn't I would probably cry nonstop. I think I mentioned that I have never been ill before...never needed the hospital...never had even a tiny health scare...until now...

But none of the above phased me like wearing that wound vac. I will eat protein and drink orange juice at every meal if I have to. And yes...I have to go back next Monday...so that wound can be checked out...yet again!

But...here are my joyful notes!

I walked to the car with Den with both arms swinging free!

I got up about 50 times without unplugging something.

I went to the bathroom without hanging a black bag on the door.

I carried things into the house...a bag in each hand!

I got my nightgown out of a drawer without trying to figure out where to put the vac!

I looked normal...walking to the car...without loops of see through tubes with gunk flowing through them!

A friend spent the afternoon with me today...it was delightful!

I slept better!

What I mean to say is this...

the joyful notes out weigh the unjoyful notes!

 

 

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I Have Done Nothing At All This Summer...

Please please please don't think that my blogs are falling into the "poor Patty, woe is me" category...and when I say I have done nothing...I am just so limited in what I can do right now...sigh!

It's more of an eye opening realization that I don't always have to be the one in charge! And it's been nice letting go...

Our house looks almost the same...I walk around with my vac and my Swiffer...dusting...Den vacuums, changes bed linens and shops. Lots of upstairs rooms remain with their doors shut...we just don't use them...laundry gets done...Den is always doing sheets and towels...he loves them pristinely clean and he changes sheets every three days! Football Sunday is Den's fave day to do his laundry and mine...it distracts him!

A friend told us about a group of Amish ladies who will come in and thoroughly clean our house...woodwork, floors, etc. as soon as our house is clean enough we will call them to keep it even cleaner!

Right now we are dealing with tiny little bees on the deck. We also woke up to our tankless water heater not working. This was supposed to be a relaxed Sunday!

I know that once my wound vac is removed...tomorrow...I will be able to do more. I will be free! Unfettered! Unattached! I can walk where I want without carrying an 8 pound bag with me! I won't trip over cords! I am overly excited by this event and I pray I won't be knocked down again...even if I have to wear a belly band...yep...a belly band...don't even ask!

Before all of this illness befell me...we were getting this house readied for a potential sale...we needed new family room furniture, rug cleaning, painting, etc. Our family room furniture was much loved but much used by the two of us...and the chair I needed to sit in...when I rest...is so uncomfortable. But now all plans of moving are gone...we can't imagine leaving here...I can't even think about it. So the last ten days we have been working with a furniture stylist to choose new furniture...Den went to the furniture store and scouted out pieces...all we knew was that we wanted leather...he sat on sofas, he sat on overstuffed chairs, he rested his legs on ottomans. We hoped that comfy for him meant comfy for me. I am still housebound and will be for a while. So using technology and photos and Den's testimonials...we bought everything yesterday...to be delivered on Thursday. Den found a coffee table that he loves and an end table for the chair and ottoman...the old controlling Patty might have protested but this Patty just wants him happy. We are controlling our impulses, too...we will look at lamps, different blinds, and other stuff once the furniture is in!

So...the only issues we have today are bees and cold water? What a way to start Football Sunday!

 

 

 

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Those Anniversary Flowers...

With just the two of us making up our little family...I must admit that we both spoil each other...birthdays, Christmas, Halloween...lol...and anniversaries. Oh my...especially anniversaries...Den has made every anniversary incredibly special...he knows that my favorite flowers have always been tiny white roses and babies breath tied with a silk bow and he goes out of his way to find that bouquet for me. That was my bridal bouquet and I have always loved those little white roses. I know that over the years he has gone crazy over the roses...he has found tiny ones, large ones, tea ones, all white ones, pale pink ones and sometimes he has even given me more than one bouquet. I have loved them all. I have loved his efforts and I have loved how important the flowers are to him!

It truly doesn't matter to me not because I don't care but because I love every thing that he does. He is one of those gentle men...he would do anything for me...he loves choosing a card...he loves writing in the cards and he loves when the cards make me cry...as they often do!

We always turn our anniversaries into events...usually overnighters to great restaurants...last year we had a romantic dinner at Volt in Frederick, Maryland...we were dressed up and had an incredible time. We loved every minute...we reminisced, we laughed, we talked about our past and we talked about our future. There is always a beautiful gift...one that Den has gone out of his way to make memorable.

This year...well...this year is different but it is still beautiful...I could not imagine doing anything other than staying home with Den...not that I have other options...but staying at home helps me notice all of the little and big things that Den has been doing for me every single day since all of this went down. Bringing me tea every morning, putting all of my pills together, monitoring protein intake, constantly refreshing ice water, helping me shower, doing my laundry, cleaning, cooking, shopping, doing so many things...both little and big...that I am in awe of his patience and generous nature. Mostly, too, just being my support...telling me I am strong even when I feel I am at my weakest. Driving me to every appointment and sitting in with me and the doctors...asking the questions I am too overwhelmed to ask. He even keeps track of meds in a notebook and knows when refills are needed. Plus he is still funny and silly and can make me laugh!

I will always remember when I was still in the hospital...Den would come and spend most of the day just sitting with me...these were early days when I just wanted to sleep. But he always came and sat in uncomfortable chairs and talked to me about our house and the kitties and the yard and how empty the house was without me. And how I would be home soon.

I now know what it means to really love someone unconditionally. I see it in my Den day after day after day.

 

 

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Just A Few Thoughts...

And not really sad thoughts...maybe just a Patty reality check? The amazing words of encouragement from EVERYONE...I can do this and I will do this...it's just that I miss myself?

Does that even make sense? Johanna..my PT nurse...was here yesterday...Roxie is in her arms sound asleep while I work out legs and arms and try to get back stamina and strength. It's a sweetly sad scenario. Roxie loves Johanna. The moment Johanna walks into the house...Roxie is next to her...it's so sweet...the entire house is my workout area...walking, lifting, moving legs and feet. I drink tons of water, I focus on protein...fish, beans, yogurt, cottage cheese...but I can't eat lots at a time...Den tries to tempt me with small tasty protein bites...I can't eat bars or stuff like that...I just can't...today I am craving a seaweed salad and veggie sushi...I hate having these cravings because the minute I say something Den is out the door. And I disappoint him when I only take bites!

I haven't been to any Farmer's Markets, concerts, trips and the stuff I am going to miss in the upcoming months is unbelievable. Our anniversary is Saturday and it will be a quiet peaceful one at home...there is no way I can go out yet...it would be ridiculous. I won't be drinking anything alcoholic for ages...if at all...I don't miss it...I just miss the old me.

I was the one who set the table or made the reservations or made a dinner at home pretty and special. It both breaks my heart and warms my heart to see Den set the table using all of our pretty things. I always needed different seasonal table settings and wreaths on the door and other festive things. Now we are just trying to maintain a clean house and flowers outside that are watered and not turning into weeds.

Den is a type A personality...I worry about him tremendously...he is busy buying bathroom rugs, new towels and flavorless protein powder...and researching family room furniture...we finally think we found big comfy oversized leather stuff...thanks to him. I am so tired that if he loves it it will be fine with me.

I know it's about my attitude and being positive and working hard and taking one day at a time...I think that as soon as the vac comes off on Monday...I will be more free to walk outside, get a coffee, feel normal, work harder, help more...I just want to help Den and not be a burden...

I yearn to feel normal. I yearn to feel the way I used to feel. I was always smiling and happy. I didn't cry...I loved being with people. I wasn't fearful.

I miss Patty. That's me with the biggest smile!

 

 

 

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So...It Wasn't Meant To Be...Yet...

Every Monday I go to see Dr. W...his name is so filled with vowels that it's rumored that no one can pronounce it. So...he is lovingly called Dr. W. He is retired military and an expert in wound care. My tiny little wound does not even phase him after what he has seen in his career. However...my tiny little wound brings me to the depths of despair on a daily basis.

So...yesterday...we are at the wound center...room 1...it's a chair...not a bed...and it's my "good luck" room. Our sweetest ever Nurse Practioner comes in and measures and checks out my wound and says she just knows this is my last day for the vac...she would never override Dr. W...but she has a good feeling about how good everything looks...and that's all I need to hear. I have been eating as much protein and drinking as much Vitamin C as I can and I can't remember a time when I wasn't connected to this 8 pound vac or when a nurse wasn't coming to our house to change the bandage every third day. My routine with this vac is that it goes where I go...bathroom, shower, walks around the house...I can't really walk outside until it's removed...I mean I know it sounds like nothing but I have to detach and reattach all day long...the tube literally comes out of my stomach! And at times there's cramping...and I give in and just cry. I am trying not to be a crying kind of person but it's not working for me...

I AM A CRYING KIND OF PERSON!

So...the vac is back on until next Monday...it gurgles, it hurts, it's annoying and I still can't believe it's a part of my life for the rest of this week. Night time is the worst part of it because it keeps me in one uncomfortable spot but Den says that I can do this.

I CAN DO THIS!

I am on my own today...Den has my lunch packed, meds out, house rules in place. Neighbors know I am alone for a few hours, I can go downstairs once...not back up again. No work...although I did sort of wipe down our bathroom. No pushing or straining or lifting. No shower until Den comes home. Alarm on. Don't open the door for anyone. I think I am good!

Time for a nap!

 

 

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