Those Anniversary Flowers...

With just the two of us making up our little family...I must admit that we both spoil each other...birthdays, Christmas, Halloween...lol...and anniversaries. Oh my...especially anniversaries...Den has made every anniversary incredibly special...he knows that my favorite flowers have always been tiny white roses and babies breath tied with a silk bow and he goes out of his way to find that bouquet for me. That was my bridal bouquet and I have always loved those little white roses. I know that over the years he has gone crazy over the roses...he has found tiny ones, large ones, tea ones, all white ones, pale pink ones and sometimes he has even given me more than one bouquet. I have loved them all. I have loved his efforts and I have loved how important the flowers are to him!

It truly doesn't matter to me not because I don't care but because I love every thing that he does. He is one of those gentle men...he would do anything for me...he loves choosing a card...he loves writing in the cards and he loves when the cards make me cry...as they often do!

We always turn our anniversaries into events...usually overnighters to great restaurants...last year we had a romantic dinner at Volt in Frederick, Maryland...we were dressed up and had an incredible time. We loved every minute...we reminisced, we laughed, we talked about our past and we talked about our future. There is always a beautiful gift...one that Den has gone out of his way to make memorable.

This year...well...this year is different but it is still beautiful...I could not imagine doing anything other than staying home with Den...not that I have other options...but staying at home helps me notice all of the little and big things that Den has been doing for me every single day since all of this went down. Bringing me tea every morning, putting all of my pills together, monitoring protein intake, constantly refreshing ice water, helping me shower, doing my laundry, cleaning, cooking, shopping, doing so many things...both little and big...that I am in awe of his patience and generous nature. Mostly, too, just being my support...telling me I am strong even when I feel I am at my weakest. Driving me to every appointment and sitting in with me and the doctors...asking the questions I am too overwhelmed to ask. He even keeps track of meds in a notebook and knows when refills are needed. Plus he is still funny and silly and can make me laugh!

I will always remember when I was still in the hospital...Den would come and spend most of the day just sitting with me...these were early days when I just wanted to sleep. But he always came and sat in uncomfortable chairs and talked to me about our house and the kitties and the yard and how empty the house was without me. And how I would be home soon.

I now know what it means to really love someone unconditionally. I see it in my Den day after day after day.

 

 

Posted with Blogsy

Just A Few Thoughts...

And not really sad thoughts...maybe just a Patty reality check? The amazing words of encouragement from EVERYONE...I can do this and I will do this...it's just that I miss myself?

Does that even make sense? Johanna..my PT nurse...was here yesterday...Roxie is in her arms sound asleep while I work out legs and arms and try to get back stamina and strength. It's a sweetly sad scenario. Roxie loves Johanna. The moment Johanna walks into the house...Roxie is next to her...it's so sweet...the entire house is my workout area...walking, lifting, moving legs and feet. I drink tons of water, I focus on protein...fish, beans, yogurt, cottage cheese...but I can't eat lots at a time...Den tries to tempt me with small tasty protein bites...I can't eat bars or stuff like that...I just can't...today I am craving a seaweed salad and veggie sushi...I hate having these cravings because the minute I say something Den is out the door. And I disappoint him when I only take bites!

I haven't been to any Farmer's Markets, concerts, trips and the stuff I am going to miss in the upcoming months is unbelievable. Our anniversary is Saturday and it will be a quiet peaceful one at home...there is no way I can go out yet...it would be ridiculous. I won't be drinking anything alcoholic for ages...if at all...I don't miss it...I just miss the old me.

I was the one who set the table or made the reservations or made a dinner at home pretty and special. It both breaks my heart and warms my heart to see Den set the table using all of our pretty things. I always needed different seasonal table settings and wreaths on the door and other festive things. Now we are just trying to maintain a clean house and flowers outside that are watered and not turning into weeds.

Den is a type A personality...I worry about him tremendously...he is busy buying bathroom rugs, new towels and flavorless protein powder...and researching family room furniture...we finally think we found big comfy oversized leather stuff...thanks to him. I am so tired that if he loves it it will be fine with me.

I know it's about my attitude and being positive and working hard and taking one day at a time...I think that as soon as the vac comes off on Monday...I will be more free to walk outside, get a coffee, feel normal, work harder, help more...I just want to help Den and not be a burden...

I yearn to feel normal. I yearn to feel the way I used to feel. I was always smiling and happy. I didn't cry...I loved being with people. I wasn't fearful.

I miss Patty. That's me with the biggest smile!

 

 

 

Posted with Blogsy

So...It Wasn't Meant To Be...Yet...

Every Monday I go to see Dr. W...his name is so filled with vowels that it's rumored that no one can pronounce it. So...he is lovingly called Dr. W. He is retired military and an expert in wound care. My tiny little wound does not even phase him after what he has seen in his career. However...my tiny little wound brings me to the depths of despair on a daily basis.

So...yesterday...we are at the wound center...room 1...it's a chair...not a bed...and it's my "good luck" room. Our sweetest ever Nurse Practioner comes in and measures and checks out my wound and says she just knows this is my last day for the vac...she would never override Dr. W...but she has a good feeling about how good everything looks...and that's all I need to hear. I have been eating as much protein and drinking as much Vitamin C as I can and I can't remember a time when I wasn't connected to this 8 pound vac or when a nurse wasn't coming to our house to change the bandage every third day. My routine with this vac is that it goes where I go...bathroom, shower, walks around the house...I can't really walk outside until it's removed...I mean I know it sounds like nothing but I have to detach and reattach all day long...the tube literally comes out of my stomach! And at times there's cramping...and I give in and just cry. I am trying not to be a crying kind of person but it's not working for me...

I AM A CRYING KIND OF PERSON!

So...the vac is back on until next Monday...it gurgles, it hurts, it's annoying and I still can't believe it's a part of my life for the rest of this week. Night time is the worst part of it because it keeps me in one uncomfortable spot but Den says that I can do this.

I CAN DO THIS!

I am on my own today...Den has my lunch packed, meds out, house rules in place. Neighbors know I am alone for a few hours, I can go downstairs once...not back up again. No work...although I did sort of wipe down our bathroom. No pushing or straining or lifting. No shower until Den comes home. Alarm on. Don't open the door for anyone. I think I am good!

Time for a nap!

 

 

Posted with Blogsy

Fun Facts?

I am actually less wobbly!

I am not gasping for breath when I "crawl" up the stairs at the day's end!

I am getting used to sleeping sitting up...propped on four pillows...Roxie sleeping behind my head...and my head on one of these pillows. Last night's sleep was awesome! I just got this pillow and it's made a huge difference for my resting/ unresting head.

 

I am sort of hungry for weird things like this giant PopTart!

Den is going to try to bake us chocolate chip cookies on Sunday!

Our across the street neighbors are coming over tomorrow night to cook a pasta dinner here! Other than getting a crumble topped local peach pie and vanilla ice cream for dessert...I get to just sit! I will cry for the first two minutes but I am ok with that! I hope they are ok with that!

No less than 25 nurses, nurse practitioners, wound care doctors, oncologists, technicians, and surgeons have looked at my incision! They have even taken pictures of it! OMG! I have no weird thoughts about being modest any more! I am amazed at my lack of modesty!

I love my mail lady!

Den has washed my hair twice. He has brushed it and put it into a ponytail!

I don't know where summer went!

I love Vicky our English neighbor...she makes me salmon!

I love Mary and Sue...they were the librarians at my school. They came to the hospital and they made lunch here and they check up on me!

I am cold much of the time...I have no interest in clothes but I did buy four fleecy hoodies! Like this! They are so warm!

I have been lucky enough to be hugged by tons of people lately...I hope to return these hugs and kindnesses as soon as I can!

More "fun" facts to come!

 

 

 

Posted with Blogsy

Today...

I am resting after the visiting nurse changed my bandages. Then I walked hard around the house, ate small bites of protein, drank orange juice because Vitamin C helps people heal, and ate as much protein packed salmon as I could that I knew would make Den happy. For some weird reason meat is not appealing to me now. Den keeps buying it and I keep having a huge aversion to it. Sigh! I try to help him by emptying the dishwasher and folding clothes and putting them away but he does not want me to help out this way. I can't go upstairs by myself, I can't use knives because of blood thinners, I can't walk outside while I am attached to the wound vac that is making me heal. The gurgle of the wound vac and the crampy stomach it gives me makes me cry a bit every morning and then I try to get over it. I can't get up to do anything without unhooking myself. Sigh! And my attachment will be at least another week. I try not to think about it but the constant gurgle we make remind me that I am never alone. I don't even remember what it would be like to just get up and walk to another part of our house without unattaching and attaching again. I gurgle! I squeak! I am not free!

This wound vac thing will bring me another round of tears...of course. Den tells me to stay strong..it's all minor...but I still get teary. Teary is what I do lately.

Friends want to bring us food...anything I am craving. With just two of us we didn't think that was necessary but in fact we are discovering that it is a blessing...an amazing blessing.

Our special neighbor brought salmon and buttered noodles...protein filled salmon that tasted so good. Our across the street neighbor brought us homemade salsa and the most incredible granola...they want to come and cook me the pasta I have been craving later this week.

Two friends from school came for lunch today and made me more buttered noodles and salads...and brought me a prayer shawl and their love...it was amazing to sit and just watch them put lunch together...we chatted and when they left I fell sound asleep.

This is me lately...more tired, more humble, more gray and more thankful! Lately when Den and I prep for bed I ask him to tell me my story. I don't remember much of what happened right after I was taken to surgery. I remember bits and pieces during recovery but I always remember the nurses telling me that Den called to see how I was and that he was on his way in. Once I saw him...even in the early days when I couldn't stay awake for very long...I felt safe. I always feel safe with Den. Always...

I would sit in the chair in my room or in the hospital bed and try to keep my eyes open while he told me about the house and the kitties and what he had for dinner...the normal cherished patterns in the life we had before this surgery. I know he is waiting for me to stop watching the Food Channel and start reading again. I feel close to doing just that...I held a book yesterday...does that count?

I think it does!

 

Posted with Blogsy