So...I wrote this last Thursday and never posted it...
Ok...I am not in denial any more...chemotherapy is a part of my life for the next 6 to 8 months. I went last Thursday for the very first time. I have to admit that as kind as everyone is...I was a mess...tears, fears, and a total lack of any kind of hope and courage. Men are there hooked up to Iv's...sleeping, reading, or watching tv. Woman are knitting or reading or napping. Everyone was eating something that they brought or something that was there. Nurses are so kind and attentive. They see my tears and come running to hug me and tell me it will be ok. They share stories and try to make everything ok while you are there.
The routine will be the same for a while...Benedryl, steroids, anti nausea drugs and the chemo drugs. I am getting a milder dosage of chemotherapy drugs. Every Wednesday...I just pop in...get blood work...and get chemo...the place I will go to has little booths, comfy chairs, your own tv and heated blankies. Den will not have to come with me every time. I have friends who want to "sit" with me. I have been told that the first few days I will feel amazing and the last few days I will feel fatigued. But by that time it's Wednesday and we start all over again.
People lead normal lives...they go to work, church, etc. but I feel as though I want to stay close to home. You are supposed to stay away from "germy" places...schools, kids, crowds. Den has placed Purcell everywhere in our house. I find myself thinking about long walks in forests and sitting on beaches staring at the ocean. But I have to get strong enough to take long walks. I look as though I am strong but am not there yet. I can't even talk about hair and hats yet...it may or may not happen. Everyone says it grows back and it's nothing but I am just not there yet. Mentally or physically. I am collecting hats just in case.
So today...I feel good...there are usually sweet cards and surprises in the mail from family and friends...my sister Paula sent this knitted shawl...Lucy and Roxie's vet sent the most beautiful prayer card. I don't need these things but it breaks my heart that people even think of me. Kim K...your cards in the mail are a joyful note for me! I am missing my niece's wedding in Milwaukee...we have had reservations for months...and I can't go. Den just cancelled everything. My heart breaks again.
Hats! I am prepping...hats!
So...that's my life...so far...today is Wednesday and I go again today.