And not really sad thoughts...maybe just a Patty reality check? The amazing words of encouragement from EVERYONE...I can do this and I will do this...it's just that I miss myself?
Does that even make sense? Johanna..my PT nurse...was here yesterday...Roxie is in her arms sound asleep while I work out legs and arms and try to get back stamina and strength. It's a sweetly sad scenario. Roxie loves Johanna. The moment Johanna walks into the house...Roxie is next to her...it's so sweet...the entire house is my workout area...walking, lifting, moving legs and feet. I drink tons of water, I focus on protein...fish, beans, yogurt, cottage cheese...but I can't eat lots at a time...Den tries to tempt me with small tasty protein bites...I can't eat bars or stuff like that...I just can't...today I am craving a seaweed salad and veggie sushi...I hate having these cravings because the minute I say something Den is out the door. And I disappoint him when I only take bites!
I haven't been to any Farmer's Markets, concerts, trips and the stuff I am going to miss in the upcoming months is unbelievable. Our anniversary is Saturday and it will be a quiet peaceful one at home...there is no way I can go out yet...it would be ridiculous. I won't be drinking anything alcoholic for ages...if at all...I don't miss it...I just miss the old me.
I was the one who set the table or made the reservations or made a dinner at home pretty and special. It both breaks my heart and warms my heart to see Den set the table using all of our pretty things. I always needed different seasonal table settings and wreaths on the door and other festive things. Now we are just trying to maintain a clean house and flowers outside that are watered and not turning into weeds.
Den is a type A personality...I worry about him tremendously...he is busy buying bathroom rugs, new towels and flavorless protein powder...and researching family room furniture...we finally think we found big comfy oversized leather stuff...thanks to him. I am so tired that if he loves it it will be fine with me.
I know it's about my attitude and being positive and working hard and taking one day at a time...I think that as soon as the vac comes off on Monday...I will be more free to walk outside, get a coffee, feel normal, work harder, help more...I just want to help Den and not be a burden...
I yearn to feel normal. I yearn to feel the way I used to feel. I was always smiling and happy. I didn't cry...I loved being with people. I wasn't fearful.
I miss Patty. That's me with the biggest smile!
Posted with Blogsy
Oh, you will find Patty again...she may be another version of you, but she will be stronger because of everything you have gone through. You will come to admire and love that Patty, too.
ReplyDeleteWe all will! Hang in there!
You are so sweet...even though your words are making me cry...thank you!
DeleteI can't imagine what you're going through, however I do know you can do this. Focus on how much stronger you are then 2 weeks ago. Each day you get a little stronger, each day you get closer to the vac being removed, each day you become a little closer to the Patty you miss. You got this!! Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteYes...you are right...
DeleteSending you hugs and hoping a week from now you're feeling better, stronger. I really appreciate that you put your thoughts out here, Patty.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mary! I didn't think I would or could but I guess that sometimes I just need to!
DeleteI just love how Laurel-Rain put it... you are becoming a new, stronger Patty... built on the foundation of the Patty you love and miss. Yes, you CAN do this - really!!! Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI know! I will! Thank you!
DeletePeople change a bit during times of adversity but it usually is for the better, so the new Patty will be even stronger & better than before :)
ReplyDeleteAnd after this crisis is over, you will realize how much stronger your marriage is, because you know what a loyal, supportive, kind husband you have! Kudos to Den for all he does for your family! Good luck on Monday, Patty!! :)
Rita...you are so right! Thank you!
DeletePatty, this is why you need to focus on getting well. You need to get back to your beautiful life. Only YOU can do that. Each day is a step in that direction.
ReplyDeleteI know! When I am not crying...I am trying!
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