And not really sad thoughts...maybe just a Patty reality check? The amazing words of encouragement from EVERYONE...I can do this and I will do this...it's just that I miss myself?
Does that even make sense? Johanna..my PT nurse...was here yesterday...Roxie is in her arms sound asleep while I work out legs and arms and try to get back stamina and strength. It's a sweetly sad scenario. Roxie loves Johanna. The moment Johanna walks into the house...Roxie is next to her...it's so sweet...the entire house is my workout area...walking, lifting, moving legs and feet. I drink tons of water, I focus on protein...fish, beans, yogurt, cottage cheese...but I can't eat lots at a time...Den tries to tempt me with small tasty protein bites...I can't eat bars or stuff like that...I just can't...today I am craving a seaweed salad and veggie sushi...I hate having these cravings because the minute I say something Den is out the door. And I disappoint him when I only take bites!
I haven't been to any Farmer's Markets, concerts, trips and the stuff I am going to miss in the upcoming months is unbelievable. Our anniversary is Saturday and it will be a quiet peaceful one at home...there is no way I can go out yet...it would be ridiculous. I won't be drinking anything alcoholic for ages...if at all...I don't miss it...I just miss the old me.
I was the one who set the table or made the reservations or made a dinner at home pretty and special. It both breaks my heart and warms my heart to see Den set the table using all of our pretty things. I always needed different seasonal table settings and wreaths on the door and other festive things. Now we are just trying to maintain a clean house and flowers outside that are watered and not turning into weeds.
Den is a type A personality...I worry about him tremendously...he is busy buying bathroom rugs, new towels and flavorless protein powder...and researching family room furniture...we finally think we found big comfy oversized leather stuff...thanks to him. I am so tired that if he loves it it will be fine with me.
I know it's about my attitude and being positive and working hard and taking one day at a time...I think that as soon as the vac comes off on Monday...I will be more free to walk outside, get a coffee, feel normal, work harder, help more...I just want to help Den and not be a burden...
I yearn to feel normal. I yearn to feel the way I used to feel. I was always smiling and happy. I didn't cry...I loved being with people. I wasn't fearful.
I miss Patty. That's me with the biggest smile!